I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
