Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
