Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
