you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
