last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
