You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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