Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
