Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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