she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
