and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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