just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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