i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
