Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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