So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
