your parents love me but you hate me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
