i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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