hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
