Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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