I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
