Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
