When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
