Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
