can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
