2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
