I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
