I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
