I smell stomach acid.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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