Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
