I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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