Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
