if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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