god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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