If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
