My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
