Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
