I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
