I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
