I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
