I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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