good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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