You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
