If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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