sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
