Welp...herpes.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
