Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
