Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
