you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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