So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Randomize
