how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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