So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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