Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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