he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
