Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
